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_the.only.ghost.to.ever.bleed
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| Somethign I Need to Get Off My Chest. |
[22 Jul 2007|10:05pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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Still Remains |
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So I found something out internally tonight that I really wish I hadn't. Everyone knows about my amazing ability to get easily frustrated with games, yea? There's no way you don't. So I always thought that this was all there was to it, I just simply get frustrated and am easily pissed off when playing a game.
Turns out I was wrong. and i know mood tends to have an effect on that, its clear. But, I've noticed how bad it really is. If I'm in even the slightly decent mood, I'm alright. sure I'll get frustrated, but i don't flip out. Now fast forward to a later part of the day. I'm getting physically angry, and rather pissed, at stuff that doesn't even matter. Earlier i played terrible, and i died, and didn't care. now, I'm just screwing up in small areas, and flipping out. why? Well I've been noticing, but i never wanted to admit it.
But you know that other amazing ability I have? The one to bottle up every ounce of loathing and anger towards someone else? Well, my mind has finally decided that this is my outlet. It used to be a nice outlet, just relax and play or whatever. But now my body likes to oust every single bit of anger or frustration I'm experiencing whenever i get down in a game.
I hate that about myself.
I can't even let myself be angry at other times.
Everyone can know I'm angry... i just won't do anything.
And so instead it comes out in a fit of rage, that I shouldn't be having that just makes everyone think I'm a psycho when I play fighting games.
But you know what? that'll never change for me. I'll never tell that person that I'm pissed at them.
Or tell someone what's really bothering me... Thats just who I am. and I hate that about myself.
I'm not saying I wanna be the guy who goes off on people, or freaks out every time he's upset. Not at all. I just wanna be able to express my anger or frustration better. I also wish people could know this about me, moreso than the 2 or 3 people reading this. It'd be nice if at least one person really realized that it's always something else, not some childish game.
First off, I think I might quit work after this week. I need time off. and I need to get out of here, again. I've left a lot this summer. and I've enjoyed it a lot. I'd liek to say that i just wanna get out of my house, but thats not all it is.
I mean yes, there is a very special person I'd like to see again, as well as a few friends I really wanna see before I get back to school. but I really just need to not be here. a lot. I can't discuss why. I also wanna get away from work, cause thats adding extra frustration. It's been nice for some reasons, its been a reeeal humbling experience the last few weeks. Realizing that I am really useless, except that i have a car, and that I'm just an extra set of hands.
But thats all. It sucks... cause I'm no longer sensing even an ounce of respect, and I don't know when that changed. I'm getting shafted on paychecks, just due to a payment agreement we made, even tho I'm not really suffering from said shafting. furthermore, there are days i feel extra worthless, and like i should even be getting paid. But i need the money. I hate being there now. I used to liek going in, doing manual labor, getting a work out, feeling like i was doing something. Now I can just never wait for the day to be over, paycheck be damned. so... after this week, when I'm especially needed... I'm calling it quits. Take the last 2 &1/2 weeks off, maybe make a few more trips to see people.
And thats just my work issues :(
Sadly, work isn't the only place where I feel like I've lost a lot of respect. around here, I can feel it. I think the only people that really show me respect around here sometimes are my parents. That's not to say no one respects me... my friends wouldn't hang out with me if they didn't respect me. But I feel like a lot of it's been damaged or lost, but I haven't a clue what it was. its been feeling worse as the summer's gone on... So i don't know what i did, or keep doing. and I'm sure that anyone who reads this will just say "you're crazy" but no... I'm not. There's something wrong, but no one will fucking tell me. Hell, even some of my friends from school have been really avoidant.
Whatever. I'm not saying that anyone hates me, or doesn't like me, or anything fucking emo like that. It'd just be nice to know, yea? It's just weird, I'm pretty much the happiest I've ever been.... In freakin years. and I can think of a feeeew reasons, :) But, I'm just as paranoid as ever, and I've been tearing myself up on the inside holding things in for too long. And being home is making me feel worse. It's just terrible. I wanna get back to school. I wanna have fun with my roommates and friends. I wanna get a terrible pay, but for a job that I actually enjoy. I wanna get to see someone again.
And I don't wanna be a burden for my friends here at home. And I really just wanna stop being angry. and I have a feeling this school year will definitely help get rid of some of that anger.
Thats is all.
end transmission.
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[05 Jul 2007|10:31pm] |
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mood |
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My main source for making it through this week, a fun one night gettaway, is canceled.
the reasons behind it make sense, and its cool. I just feel lousy, cause i was really looking forward to it, heh.
On another note, Transformers is awesome, and Live Free or Die Hard is really good.
I highly suggest both of them.
Thirdly... I think you're amazing. :)
::edit::
that thing? yea, it's been rain-checked...
and take 2 will be better than ever.
::/edit::
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[19 May 2007|06:18pm] |
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mood |
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apathetic |
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I am fucking SICK of being home already.
coming home for a weekend, or even a break, fine...
but I can't be hear another 24 hours or i swear I'm gonna lose it.
Everything is fucking broken: My computer, My Xbox, My Guitar Hero guitar, Myself... hell, even my goddamn friends are broken. All of them.
For one thing or another. and I can't fucking fix anything. Not just some things... All of them.
I just wanna be... somewhere Anywhere else.
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[27 Apr 2007|06:38pm] |
So apparently I'm making bad decisions,
and disappointing people left and right these days.
and if some people are this disappointed,
What are others gonna think?
whatever...
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[26 Mar 2007|12:40am] |
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FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
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[26 Feb 2007|12:50am] |
Another week of this place,
and feeling the way I have...
and I'll go insane :(
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[16 Sep 2006|04:55pm] |
I'm not getting my hopoes up this time around.
-_-
but then again... im not giving up hope either.
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[14 Sep 2006|10:01pm] |
Got it out of the way Early.
Which means a whole night to remmeber, and think about it.
I'm a freakin' intelligent guy.
I shoudl have listened, and kept my damn mouth shut.
Better to get out of the way, and not be confused tho.
in the end I'll be glad.
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[26 Aug 2006|12:17am] |
Ugh!
so i thoguth i would giuve you guys soemthing extra to enjoy over the Xanga Readers.
you know, all 7 of you have left (and thats on a good day).
so yea, i've got liek 10 minutes or so tilli run out and do a round before i work the desk.
it'll be alright. but tomrorow i have to get up early, move safes, then move in freshmen >_<
it wont be terrible... just long... and sucky. ok maybe it will be heh.
alright, im tired, soooo im gonan find some caffine.
NIGHT!!
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[24 Aug 2006|03:12pm] |
Ugh.
So the IBC bottle in my fridge exploded.
I dont mean it was cold, so it fizzed to death, no.
I mean it built up so much pressure, that it shattered the glass...
So, I cut my self up real bad and got all sticky icky icky.
It sucked, but whatev.
Um, training is still sweet. im still struggling wiht some things. But it's not too bad.
working the desk makes me feel good. It's porolly just temporary, but its a good feeling to have a semi important job... ^_^ Speaking of which, I work 9-11pm tonight, which means I'm missing that dance tonight... oh, shucks. hehe.
other than that, not much else to report.
Song of the Day:
Note to self, I miss you terribly.
This is what -- we call a tragedy.
come back to me, back to me, to me...
I can feel my mind wandering again!
and i dont know, will i eve get home?
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[18 Aug 2006|01:20am] |
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music |
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None, my speakers is powerless! |
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Getting into the rhythm of Schhol/Staff, and I wont lie, its been fun so far.
People on our staff are all pretty rad cats, and I've really just been enjoying myself the whoooole time.
It's relaly just been a blast.
and how couldnt it be?! Darnell's my roomy (and our room is S-I-C-K), Crystal's down the hall, Brittani's down one flight of steps, and Heidi, altho further away in the opposiote side of the building is still an amazingly short distance away... and those are just the nifty cats that are here that I've been hanging out with prior to this year.
Tehj rest of staff is still a blast. Gabe and Russ are one floor down, and while i've know them each for a year+, i never really hung out wiht them till now, nd they're a good time in themselves. They've come up to play games twice already in the last two nights, (which is what our room is gonna be allll about the next few months), then there's E-Dizzle, who I met last year through Heidi cuz he was all about the Mountain Dew like we were, and he got her into pool, and He's a blast. Everyone else who's on staff has been good to see/hang out with/work with so far, I just hope the good times keep up, but im nto getting my hopes up! ;)
Maybe some more updating later, but for now, im going to bed!
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[19 Jul 2006|08:13am] |
I havent updated in ages.
but sadly there's not much to say or to talk about.
I'm awaiting the NAruto 4 game I ordered a week+ ago.
I completely stopped playing FFXI already, cuz somebody screwed me over and doesnt play anymore.
So I've playing Naruto: Clash of Ninja(GC), Naruto: Ultimate Ninja(PS2) Dragonball-Z: Budokai Tenkaichi(-something liek that-PS2) and Dragonball-Z: Budokai 3(PS2)...
All of which I have purchased recently.
Still delving very much into Soul Calibur 2... and occasionally playing some sweet Dynasty Warriors 4.
but sadly this isnt intended to be a Video Game rant, oh no. this is just me telling you what I've been doing with my life... and thats it. sure I work now...
which isnt as great as it started out to be. but the money is good, so I guess i cant complain too much.
I've been doing the hang out "party" whatever, thing a little lately. thats been cool. BYOC (Bring Your Own Chair) was a lot of fun, as was BYOC-2. and these are about as close to an update as i can give, cuz things have just been that un-eventful for me.
So... I leave you with this.
please watch it... its really cool.
http://www.youtube.com/v/Wb7aDZeO_MQ
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[14 Jun 2006|11:20pm] |
KASA!
KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA!
KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA!
KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA!
KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA!
KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA! KASA!
im piiiiiissed
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[01 Jun 2006|12:17am] |
So i wanted to do a little more than the update you're about to get, but i bet you guys wont care 
so this week im basically spending every day going to work with my brother in law at this house.
we're pretty much building the basement. he's doing the crown molding... or something.
i've been doing various tasks: sanding pillars, filling in nailholes with puddy, mixing and laying down mortar 9_9 ugh its not hard i just ... having a hard time staying awake. 
but on my off time i've more and more addicted to Final Fantasy XI ^_^ im really upset that i never got into this game earlier. its a lot of fun. been catching a lot of crap about playing it, but i dont currrr. my tarutaru pwns your RPG character, so hah!
leveled both a White Mage and Black mage class to level 10. only been playing for about a week,
and thats gotten a little less (daily) now that im doing work with Bill. so i only get to play at night, if i do. otherwise im out seeing X3 twice or the Davinci Code... both very excellent movies, might I add.
so im gonna go to bed now... i'll leave you with more picture, cuz i know you really wanna see em, right?
( Tofla makes his MMORPG return ^_^ )
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[31 May 2006|08:29am] |
For now I will leave you with this,
and there will be a REAL update later when i get back tonight.
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| KASAAAA! |
[19 Apr 2006|03:38pm] |
I slept through.... everything today.
i woke up at 8... decided i was gonna keep sleeping.
woke up at 10... kept sleeping.
woke up at 12... got ready and went to class.
I've got a ton of stuff I actualy have to do. not just classes, but about majors, jobbing, and life.
So, I looked on blackboard to get my grade for a paper I turned in... On time, finished and not copied off of, or plagorized in anyway... but somehow she gave me a ZERO... so I'm looking into that, cuz I'm really upset. so I cannot wait to see what I got on my other papers..
To make all matters better... I have nothing left on my computer... in fact... only the Devil remains on my computer.
6.66 GB left... -.- the effin Devil is on my computer!
so yea... we'll see how this all turns out.
::le sigh::
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[11 Apr 2006|01:35am] |
I'm glad i have Guitar Hero to play at night... cuz god knows with all the people online...
not a damned one of them talks to me.
EDIT
...unless im upset.
EDIT #2
thank god i get to get out of here tomorrow.
hopefully forget the last 3 weeks :'(
you make me sick
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[10 Apr 2006|01:13am] |
Eeeep.
im sore and tired.
with a only a few breaks today...
i did this...
( O M G S O R A )
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[04 Apr 2006|05:38pm] |
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You're the worst thing that ever happened to me.
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